[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
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”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.