[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
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When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
bad news gang
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
unbelievably distressed by this ad
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.