[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
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Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…