Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
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[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.