[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
You Might Also Like
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
What flavor cupcake are these
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”