[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
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[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?