[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
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Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
good for her
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
finally
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
sir, my pâté if you please
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.