[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
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Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Sex so good you see dead people.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.