[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
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Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”