ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
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I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Me: I want you inside of me.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.