Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

Breaking news:

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

☺️