[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
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If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
🔦🌙👣
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.