WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

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People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.


“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item


Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck


My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up


I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.


Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex


Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.


“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.