[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
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Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
car not found
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.