Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
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You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
My sex drive has a dui
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Your honor these allegations are
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!