I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
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An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Me: A large rat
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.