@JimmerThatisAll I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
@Jenny4ashley Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
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@JimmerThatisAll 
@AngelaEhh An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
@jasonmustian BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
@capnwatsisname Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
@T_Bonezzz_ Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
@hurlarious [INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
@iwearaonesie the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
@bwebster76 I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
@nycjayjay Yup.
@The_Mentalyst *Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*