@Jenny4ashley

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

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@AngelaEhh

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

@jasonmustian

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

@capnwatsisname

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

@T_Bonezzz_

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

@hurlarious

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

@iwearaonesie

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

@bwebster76

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

@The_Mentalyst

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*