Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
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[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
#parenting
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.