Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
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Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Nose
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
🤣🤣🤣
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore