Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
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“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
*performs CPR on the turkey*
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair