Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
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The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I can’t stop laughing at this
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Cinematography is my passion
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
my professor scared me for a second
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*