[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
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Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
The pasta is now
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”