[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
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New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
She puts the hot in psychotic
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.