*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

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I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.


I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.


wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah


Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.


CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too


HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.


Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!


It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.


Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks