*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
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Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.