*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
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getting corrected
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir