*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
You Might Also Like
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
you will never know the true number of layers
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I’ve been drinking.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life