Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

This is my cat’s medicine.

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.