*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
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you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
OMG 🤣🤣
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
relationship goals
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”