[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
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My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
When your man makes a valid point
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*