[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
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Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Brands during Pride
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
me 2 months after i graduated
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.