Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
You Might Also Like
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.