Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
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“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
#inspiration #foodforthought
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish