Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
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I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
But wait…
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.