DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
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I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?