DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
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Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
This story is comedy gold 😂
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy