Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
You Might Also Like
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls