Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
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ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Holy crap this is wonderful
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.