Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
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A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
My dog learned how to text
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya