@burntmybagel

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

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@FredSchultz35

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂

@TheToddWilliams

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

@spacebatmcbat

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

@AnOrangeSNES

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

@RandiLawson

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

@Quartzjixler

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

@daemonic3

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day