Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
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Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Don’t forget to tip your server
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.