Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
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TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
can’t catch a break
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?