Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

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“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂


[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.


I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam


Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing


Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”


There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.


“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day