Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
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can’t wait til they legalize outside
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Thursday
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.