Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
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I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?