drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
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the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it