Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
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I learned about self care from watching my cat.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today