Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
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[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Yes
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…