Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
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This is so me 😂😂
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE