Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
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Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.