[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
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me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.