[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
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Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day