[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
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At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
A great tip. #CakeRex
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.