DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
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What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”