Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
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An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.