dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
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4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that