Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
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Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
