dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
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I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.