Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
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A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
(Jupiter –
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I never know how much to tip a cow.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.