“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
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Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I don’t make the rules sorry
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.