duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
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Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Bruh PLEASE
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I鈥檓 running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I鈥檓 never asked to run a meeting again
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
BOSS: This is hard to say鈥e need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
My love language is deader than Latin
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
The Internet wins again..馃憞馃憞馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃憦馃憦
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Husband: You鈥檙e not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Husband: *buys anything* Let鈥檚 save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
my dad has had enough